In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #10

Grief comes in waves.  You can be fine one minute and falling apart the next.  You measure how you’re doing by what and how often something triggers the “falling apart.”

Grief is not something you “get over.”  Rather, it is something you “get through,” but the event will forever be a part of your past.  This is actually good news because love also lasts forever.  When we have loved, we don’t want to forget.

So often people grieving a death don’t want to go to a grief recovery class because they are afraid it will cause them to forget their loved one.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  Grief recovery classes teach you how to incorporate memory and love into moving forward. 

Those grieving a divorce come wanting to forget and to quit loving.  Instead, divorce recovery classes teach you that the memories...good and bad...all belong to you.  They, too, teach you how to live with the memories and that sadness, not hate or erasure, is the resolution of grief.   

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

10. 10. Give Yourself Time. There are many formulas for how long it will take until that gaping hole in your heart disappears.  They’re all wrong.

Current research says you go through what you go through and it takes as long it takes. 

I have good news and bad news here:

The bad news:  Since the resolution of grief is sadness, those episodes of falling apart may recur periodically for the rest of your life. 

The good news:  The triggers will be farther apart...sometimes years. 

The bad news:  When they recur, it feels like everything happened yesterday.

The good news:  When you have done your grief work, the falling apart is bittersweet instead of self-destructive.

The bad news:  If you don’t do your grief work but, instead, bury your grief, grief will become illness or depression.

The good news: When you have done your grief work, you are free to cherish the memory and to love again.

I want to leave this series with an unusual quote from one of my favorite authors:  Calvin Miller.  In his book “If This Be Love,” he celebrates his marriage of 25 years.  He talks of jumping into relationships too soon and failing to bond in a way that will make love last forever.  He says, “Hurried need reduces love to food.”

To life! May you give yourself all the time you need.  May you face your pain so you will be free to love again.  May you do your grief work, live well, and love again with all your heart.

As I promised, in sympathy for the victims and grieving survivors of Sandy Hook, I offered ten pointers for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  As a reminder of today’s topic, for the surviving victims of Sandy Hook, the tragedy will never end.  It will be part of their lives forever.  When you meet them, remember that.  Encourage them to get help.  Encourage them to use this great tragedy to make the world a better place.  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed. 

I will turn my blog topic back to schools now...but I will endeavor to be just as honest as I have been over the last few weeks.

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with both academic success and grief.  Surprisingly, they are related.  Everything that happens to us affects our brain.  Everything we put into our bodies affects our brain.

Check out our Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #9

In the aftermath of tragedy, there is danger of becoming what you hate: 

You hate it that someone walked into a classroom and killed innocent people, especially children, so you want to lash out at that person and at everyone who gets in your way. Murder is too kind; you think of torture.

You hate it that one you loved and trusted had an affair so you think of striking back by having an affair yourself.

You wonder what one you love found in alcohol so you go out to get drunk to experience whatever high booze gave him/her.

You get the picture!  We are drawn to that which pains us.

Don’t mis-understand.  Yes, murder is too kind to atone for great tragedy.  But torture does worse things to you than to the person or condition you hate. 

As I work with high risk students, it sounds like this:

I’ve got an awful, rotten, racist teacher so I’m going to sit in his class and fail.

We call that “stinkin’ thinkin.’”  “The teacher gets paid whether you pass or fail,” we tell them.  “If what you say is true, he probably doesn’t like you either.  Make him give you an A!  It will drive him crazy!”

That’s the key.  Pay it forward.  Use this circumstance to make the world a better place and you a better person.  

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

9. 9. Avoid Dependencies. As a child, I loved to memorize fun and poignant poems.  One goes like this:

I have to live with myself and so

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able as days go by

Always to look myself straight in the eye...”

–Edgar Albert Guest

When we “strike back;” when we anesthetize ourselves; when we seek to find value in a relationship or accomplishment...we are really just burying our grief and adding garbage to it.  We may even get sick enough to enjoy our pain.

If you find solace in a bottle, a relationship, or a pill, you simply postpone your grief.  Face it so you can live again.

As I promised, in sympathy for the victims and grieving survivors of Sandy Hook, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief. 

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #8

Sportswriter “Red” Smith is attributed with a quote almost every writer knows well:  “Writing is easy.  You just open a vein and bleed.”

“Bleeding” on paper is a great way to grieve.  It helps us cry our “gut” tears instead of our “head” tears.

When I wrote my first book, Justin, Heaven’s Baby, I would get up every morning and write until I was sobbing uncontrollably.  I couldn’t stop.  It was as though I was driven.  I never intended to write a book.  I couldn’t have at that stage in my grief; I was overwhelmed with mere survival.

Every morning when I reached the point of sobbing, I would think, “This is stupid.  I’ll never do it again.”  I would compose myself and get through my day somehow.  Then I would get up the next morning and do it again.  The process took me almost exactly 9 months, and when I finished it I felt as though I had birthed my Justin a second time.  Catherine Marshall says that writing a book is like having a baby.  I agree.

But the process of writing (journaling) transformed Justin from my tragedy on earth into my treasure in Heaven.  I still cry sometimes...it’s sad to be a mother with empty arms.  The resolution of grief is sadness; you don’t erase the memory by writing.  You reach the point where you can cherish the memory instead of running from it because remembering brings you so much pain. 

I can honestly say today that I’m proud I got to be Justin’s mom...even though it was just for a little while. His life, although much too short, was both precious and worthwhile.

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

8. 8. Journal. You haven’t “journaled” until you have cried.  Journaling is one way to cry your “gut” tears instead of your “head” tears.  Journaling, however painful, is healing because once the gut tears are out, peace can begin to creep back into your life, a little at a time.

Writing from your heart is actually “praying on paper.”  It is a form of worship.  However you view God, write Him/Her a letter about your loved one (even if it’s to say you’re angry).  Let God share in your grief.

A friend of mine said, “You’re an intelligent person.  Do you really believe in prayer?”

I was a single mother who raised a son.  I prayed!  I had no alternative!

Yes, I believe in prayer.  Whatever you believe about God, praying focuses you and gives you wisdom.  Journaling alone is great therapy.  Journaling in partnership with God simply adds to the healing.

Another friend said, “I know you believe in prayer.  I don’t know what I believe; but when things were tough last year, I tried it.  It helped.”

Journal!  Write your pain; write your anger; write your memories; write your sorrow; write your hope.

As I promised, in sympathy for the victims and grieving survivors of Sandy Hook, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief. 

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.