I work with
schools to help them create support programs for their students who are
considered by some as “at-risk.” Others call these same students
“at-promise.” The key is “resilience:” the ability to survive and cope
with whatever life gives you and emerge stronger. We who promote the
theory of resilience believe we can learn and grow through any life
circumstance. We do not negate, justify, or excuse the horror of events
like the massacre at Sandy Hook. We face the truth. But we also don’t
give up on our dreams or compromise our values because of it; we become
stronger. Key #4 helps you with that.
What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.
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4. Remember. We have all had our hearts broken. Few people look deeply into grief, though, without having had a major loss. Mine came as a young mother. My second child was born hydrocephalic. He only lived 4 1/2 months. In the aftermath of his death, my home fell apart. My 2 1/2-year-old son and I picked up the pieces of our lives and started over.
Leading up to what would
have been Justin’s first birthday, my psychologist asked how I would
spend the day. I said, “I’m going to close my eyes and hope, somehow,
that the day will end.” He replied, “The day will happen whether or not
you face it. If you could forget Justin, you could forget Jeff. You
owe it to your living son to face the day and celebrate the child that
graced your home, even though it was for too short a while.”
That began my life-long
quest to believe that life, however short or seemingly hopeless, is
worthwhile. It took completing what I refer to as my “grief work,” but I
can honestly say today that I’m proud I got to be Justin’s mom...even
for a little while. Writing my first book and crying a mountain of
tears transformed Justin from my tragedy on earth into my treasure in
Heaven.
We hesitate to talk about a
sad event because we are afraid of our own tears and afraid of making
others sad. But the alternative is what grief specialists call
“Denial.” The natural grief stage of denial is the way we cope, but if
it lasts too long we blind ourselves to the dangers and ignore the
necessity of prevention. There is danger that copycat tragedies will
occur. As horrible as the events like Sandy Hook are, we must remember
them. If we don’t, we don’t set up mechanisms to deter them from
happening again.
One thing I’ve learned
is...the only thing worse than mentioning a lost loved one in a crowd
that may bring sadness is remembering that person in a crowd, alone, and
believing that you are the only one who misses your loved one or who
cares.
You can’t forget, so plan
to remember. Find a time each day...or week...that you can devote to
your memories. Setting aside a special time will give you the strength
to get through the rest of your day...most of the time.
As I promised, I will offer one pointer
each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be
done.” Check the other entries or archives for what you might have
missed. When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to
schools.
Lockett Learning offers a wide array of
resources to help you and your children deal with grief. Thursday and
Friday, we will offer our Kindle book Understanding Grief in Children as a free download.
Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:
Check out our grief-related E-Books:
“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.
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