Grief comes in waves. You can be fine one minute and falling apart the next. You measure how you’re doing by what and how often something triggers the “falling apart.”
Grief is not something you “get over.” Rather, it is something you “get through,” but the event will forever be a part of your past. This is actually good news because love also lasts forever. When we have loved, we don’t want to forget.
So often people grieving a death don’t want to go to a grief recovery class because they are afraid it will cause them to forget their loved one. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Grief recovery classes teach you how to incorporate memory and love into moving forward.
Those grieving a divorce come wanting to forget and to quit loving. Instead, divorce recovery classes teach you that the memories...good and bad...all belong to you. They, too, teach you how to live with the memories and that sadness, not hate or erasure, is the resolution of grief.
What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.
10. Give Yourself Time. There are many formulas for how long it will take until that gaping hole in your heart disappears. They’re all wrong.
Current research says you go through what you go through and it takes as long it takes.
I have good news and bad news here:
The bad news: Since the resolution of grief is sadness, those episodes of falling apart may recur periodically for the rest of your life.
The good news: The triggers will be farther apart...sometimes years.
The bad news: When they recur, it feels like everything happened yesterday.
The good news: When you have done your grief work, the falling apart is bittersweet instead of self-destructive.
The bad news: If you don’t do your grief work but, instead, bury your grief, grief will become illness or depression.
The good news: When you have done your grief work, you are free to cherish the memory and to love again.
I want to leave this series with an unusual quote from one of my favorite authors: Calvin Miller. In his book “If This Be Love,” he celebrates his marriage of 25 years. He talks of jumping into relationships too soon and failing to bond in a way that will make love last forever. He says, “Hurried need reduces love to food.”
To life! May you give yourself all the time you need. May you face your pain so you will be free to love again. May you do your grief work, live well, and love again with all your heart.
As I promised, in sympathy for the victims and grieving survivors of Sandy Hook, I offered ten pointers for “What to do when nothing can be done.” As a reminder of today’s topic, for the surviving victims of Sandy Hook, the tragedy will never end. It will be part of their lives forever. When you meet them, remember that. Encourage them to get help. Encourage them to use this great tragedy to make the world a better place. Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.
I will turn my blog topic back to schools now...but I will endeavor to be just as honest as I have been over the last few weeks.
Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with both academic success and grief. Surprisingly, they are related. Everything that happens to us affects our brain. Everything we put into our bodies affects our brain.
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