When you think of your mother, do you have regrets? I do. Fortunately, I was able to resolve most of my regrets before my mother died. You see, I spent much of my childhood trying to change her. She was a victim of polio and it showed in many little ways. She struggled to walk and sometimes looked...well, not like the mothers of my friends. I saw her faults, and it embarrassed me.
When I quit trying to change her and began seeing the amazing woman she was, I realized how deeply I love her.
My book Surviving Separation and Divorce is dedicated to her:
She survived polio in her early years when polio claimed lives.
She survived divorce in days when it stigmatized her faith.
She single-parented three daughters when women didn't work.
Much of what I have learned about survival came from her.
Much of what I believe about hope in the midst of heartache, she lived.
I had to grow up a little to realize that I couldn't
change her...and it wasn't my job. The only person I can change is me.
The only person I am responsible for changing is me. My job in the
lives of others...mothers, children, students, friends...is to love
them. It is within the context of love that we have the power to change
ourselves.
In the aftermath of my own divorce, my therapist suggested I love my high school students. My teaching will never be the same. Love is the true language of the classroom. Love is what helps students grow, learn, and change.
My motto for working with at-risk students is, "Everyone deserves a pushy parent. If they don't have one, you're it!"
Happy Mother's Day in Heaven to a one-of-a-kind mother...one who truly loved me, even when I was unlovable. May your work with others be filled with love. May you always envision the amazing person they are becoming and overlook the flaws they have to fix as they grow.
Lockett Learning Systems
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Sunday, January 6, 2013
In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #10
Grief
comes in waves. You can be fine one minute and falling apart the
next. You measure how you’re doing by what and how often something
triggers the “falling apart.”
Grief is not something you
“get over.” Rather, it is something you “get through,” but the event
will forever be a part of your past. This is actually good news because
love also lasts forever. When we have loved, we don’t want to forget.
So often people grieving a
death don’t want to go to a grief recovery class because they are afraid
it will cause them to forget their loved one. Nothing could be farther
from the truth. Grief recovery classes teach you how to incorporate
memory and love into moving forward.
Those grieving a divorce come
wanting to forget and to quit loving. Instead, divorce recovery
classes teach you that the memories...good and bad...all belong to you.
They, too, teach you how to live with the memories and that sadness,
not hate or erasure, is the resolution of grief.
What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.
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10. Give Yourself Time. There are many formulas for how long it will take until that gaping hole in your heart disappears. They’re all wrong.
Current research says you go through what you go through and it takes as long it takes.
I have good news and bad news here:
The bad news: Since the resolution of grief is sadness, those episodes of falling apart may recur periodically for the rest of your life.
The good news: The triggers will be farther apart...sometimes years.
The bad news: When they recur, it feels like everything happened yesterday.
The good news: When you have done your grief work, the falling apart is bittersweet instead of self-destructive.
The bad news: If you don’t do your grief work but, instead, bury your grief, grief will become illness or depression.
The good news: When you have done your grief work, you are free to cherish the memory and to love again.
I want to leave this series
with an unusual quote from one of my favorite authors: Calvin Miller.
In his book “If This Be Love,” he celebrates his marriage of 25 years.
He talks of jumping into relationships too soon and failing to bond in a
way that will make love last forever. He says, “Hurried need reduces
love to food.”
To life!
May you give yourself all the time you need. May you face your pain so
you will be free to love again. May you do your grief work, live well,
and love again with all your heart.
As I promised, in sympathy for the
victims and grieving survivors of Sandy Hook, I offered ten pointers for
“What to do when nothing can be done.” As a reminder of today’s topic,
for the surviving victims of Sandy Hook, the tragedy will never end.
It will be part of their lives forever. When you meet them, remember
that. Encourage them to get help. Encourage them to use this great
tragedy to make the world a better place. Check the other entries or
archives for what you might have missed.
I will turn my blog topic back to
schools now...but I will endeavor to be just as honest as I have been
over the last few weeks.
Lockett Learning offers a wide array of
resources to help you and your children deal with both academic success
and grief. Surprisingly, they are related. Everything that happens to
us affects our brain. Everything we put into our bodies affects our
brain.
Check out our Hard Copy Books and Tapes:
Check out our grief-related E-Books:
“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #9
In the aftermath of tragedy, there is danger of becoming what you hate:
You hate it that someone
walked into a classroom and killed innocent people, especially children,
so you want to lash out at that person and at everyone who gets in your
way. Murder is too kind; you think of torture.
You hate it that one you loved and trusted had an affair so you think of striking back by having an affair yourself.
You wonder what one you love found in alcohol so you go out to get drunk to experience whatever high booze gave him/her.
You get the picture! We are drawn to that which pains us.
Don’t mis-understand. Yes,
murder is too kind to atone for great tragedy. But torture does worse
things to you than to the person or condition you hate.
As I work with high risk students, it sounds like this:
I’ve got an awful, rotten, racist teacher so I’m going to sit in his class and fail.
We call that “stinkin’
thinkin.’” “The teacher gets paid whether you pass or fail,” we tell
them. “If what you say is true, he probably doesn’t like you either.
Make him give you an A! It will drive him crazy!”
That’s the key. Pay it forward. Use this circumstance to make the world a better place and you a better person.
What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.
-
9. Avoid Dependencies. As a child, I loved to memorize fun and poignant poems. One goes like this:
I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I want to be able as days go by
Always to look myself straight in the eye...”
–Edgar Albert Guest
When we “strike back;” when
we anesthetize ourselves; when we seek to find value in a relationship
or accomplishment...we are really just burying our grief and adding
garbage to it. We may even get sick enough to enjoy our pain.
If you find solace in a bottle, a relationship, or a pill, you simply postpone your grief. Face it so you can live again.
As I promised, in sympathy for the
victims and grieving survivors of Sandy Hook, I will offer one pointer
each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be
done.” Check the other entries or archives for what you might have
missed. When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to
schools.
Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.
Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:
Check out our grief-related E-Books:
“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #8
Sportswriter
“Red” Smith is attributed with a quote almost every writer knows well:
“Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed.”
“Bleeding” on paper is a great way to grieve. It helps us cry our “gut” tears instead of our “head” tears.
When I wrote my first book, Justin, Heaven’s Baby,
I would get up every morning and write until I was sobbing
uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. It was as though I was driven. I
never intended to write a book. I couldn’t have at that stage in my grief; I was overwhelmed with mere survival.
Every morning when I reached
the point of sobbing, I would think, “This is stupid. I’ll never do it
again.” I would compose myself and get through my day somehow.
Then I would get up the next morning and do it again. The process took
me almost exactly 9 months, and when I finished it I felt as though I
had birthed my Justin a second time. Catherine Marshall says that
writing a book is like having a baby. I agree.
But the process of writing
(journaling) transformed Justin from my tragedy on earth into my
treasure in Heaven. I still cry sometimes...it’s sad to be a mother
with empty arms. The resolution of grief is sadness; you don’t erase
the memory by writing. You reach the point where you can cherish the
memory instead of running from it because remembering brings you so much
pain.
I can honestly say today that
I’m proud I got to be Justin’s mom...even though it was just for a
little while. His life, although much too short, was both precious and
worthwhile.
What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.
-
8. Journal. You haven’t “journaled” until you have cried. Journaling is one way to cry your “gut” tears instead of your “head” tears. Journaling, however painful, is healing because once the gut tears are out, peace can begin to creep back into your life, a little at a time.
Writing from your heart is
actually “praying on paper.” It is a form of worship. However you view
God, write Him/Her a letter about your loved one (even if it’s to say
you’re angry). Let God share in your grief.
A friend of mine said, “You’re an intelligent person. Do you really believe in prayer?”
I was a single mother who raised a son. I prayed! I had no alternative!
Yes, I believe in prayer. Whatever you
believe about God, praying focuses you and gives you wisdom. Journaling
alone is great therapy. Journaling in partnership with God simply adds
to the healing.
Another friend said, “I know you believe
in prayer. I don’t know what I believe; but when things were tough
last year, I tried it. It helped.”
Journal! Write your pain; write your anger; write your memories; write your sorrow; write your hope.
As I promised, in sympathy for the
victims and grieving survivors of Sandy Hook, I will offer one pointer
each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be
done.” Check the other entries or archives for what you might have
missed. When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to
schools.
Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.
Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:
Check out our grief-related E-Books:
“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.
Friday, December 28, 2012
In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #7
Many
years ago, I went through a time of compounded losses. Looking back, I
still call it “The year of the big black cloud.” That’s a kind
description. The true pain cannot be put into words.
When our baby was sick,
friends and family poured in to help. When he died, they were there.
When my husband walked out one month after burying our baby, the phone
and doorbell were silent. Our friends didn’t know what to say so they
didn’t.
To be fair, I wasn’t much
fun! Phone calls were meant with yes and no answers and a lot of
silence. But I was still lonely. I needed tools to use during my
lonely hours to keep them from becoming dysfunctional. I also needed to
learn how to reach out, even when I didn’t want to.
What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.
-
7. Reach Out. One sign that life will go on whether or not you want it to is when your need for people is bigger than your loneliness and fears. That is your cue that it is time to reach out.
One problem you face is who
to connect with. Remember you are vulnerable. When you are in this
stage, there is danger of lifelong problems such as substance abuse or
promiscuity. These leave you with an even bigger hole in your heart.
Your lifelong friends are
usually the safest; but unless they have suffered a great loss, they
won’t really understand. Involve them anyway (just don’t overdo it), but
don’t stop there.
Join support groups of people
facing a similar loss. They are everywhere, but finding them is
sometimes difficult. Your local library will have a community directory
to guide you. If your loss is death, ask your support mortuaries,
hospices, or compassionate friends. If addiction was involved (you,
your spouse, or your loved one), check out 12-step programs. They have a
group for almost any problem. Check out http://www.christianrecovery.org/ or http://www.aa.org.
If abuse was involved, RUN to the nearest support group. Most large
churches offer divorce and grief recovery programs. Google the dynamics
of your loss to find the right match.
How do you know if the person or group is safe? You don’t always. Do two things:
-
1. Trust what your “gut” is telling you. No matter how much you don’t want to talk about it or be there, something deep inside you will say, “This is right.” Doing what is right doesn’t always “feel good.”
-
2.Trust those who love you. If you only confide in one person, you will wear that person out. Grief is painful; it comes in waves; and it wasn’t meant to be borne alone. Find two or three safe friends, and run all of your ideas and findings by them. They will tell you if you are on the right track.
As I promised, I will offer one pointer
each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be
done.” Check the other entries or archives for what you might have
missed. When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to
schools.
Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.
Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:
Check out our grief-related E-Books:
“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #6
When
we have lost a loved one, we tend to emotionally go back in time to
when that person wasn’t in our lives. When a spouse dies, for example,
the surviving spouse may find it hard to be with the children they
created and, instead, connect with siblings. It is as if we just don’t
know how to function in our daily routine without the missing person.
This is normal grief. It is
part of the stage we call “denial.” We cannot envision life without our
loved one so we have to go back to something that was comfortable (even
if dysfunctional) to us before we knew him/her. One anonymous adult
child commented, “He left us for his sisters, and he didn’t even like
them!”
As we grieve our loss, we
learn how to cherish a memory and connect with those we love who are
part of our lives together. To do that, we must learn to face our
loneliness.
What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.
-
6. Face Loneliness. One certain emotion that accompanies the aftermath of tragedy is guilt. We need to learn to deal with guilt and to decipher it. Sometimes when we feel guilty, we are really lonely. When emotion overwhelms us, we need to take time to be alone to think, read, cry, and pray. Then we can reach out in a healthy way.
I have found that the fear of loneliness is actually worse than facing it. In the days and weeks leading up to a major event (birthday, holiday, celebration), we dread having to do it alone. Our imaginations go wild. By the time the event arrives, it is usually so much tamer than what we had imagined that we get through it without a problem.
So what do we do when our
emotions go crazy? Do what feeds you emotionally. For me, it is
writing. I can “cry on paper” as I write letters to my love or to God
or as I simply ramble and splash down my random thoughts. This gets the
pain out of me so there is a little breathing room. Then I do it
again.
For you, it might be music
or art or dance. The key is to do what feeds you emotionally as you let
the tears flow. Tears were meant to be cried.
Find peace in your lonely hours!
As I promised, I will offer one pointer
each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be
done.” Check the other entries or archives for what you might have
missed. When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to
schools.
Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.
Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:
Check out our grief-related E-Books:
“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.
Friday, December 21, 2012
In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #5
“Co-dependency” is a buzz word these days. When a friend read Melanie Beattie’s book Co-Dependent No More, he said it was really depressing because he realized he was hopelessly co-dependent forever.
When we think of co-dependency we often
think of it as kindness and consideration. These are virtues. When you
lose yourself being kind and considerate of others, though, you become
their “co-dependent,” and you keep them stuck.
My working definition: Any time you do for someone else what they can and should
do for themselves, you turn them into your dependent children. You no
longer function as adult to adult. You assume a responsibility that
rightfully belongs to them. We are responsible for our dependent children. We are responsible to the adults in our lives.
What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.
-
5. Let Go. There is a time to quit. We don’t always know when it is. It can be gut-wrenching because we care so deeply. It can be maddening because we are so angry about what happened. But when we are powerless, there comes a time when we must walk away.
It’s a little bit like
forgiveness. Failing to let go (or forgive) is like taking poison and
expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness is giving up our “right”
to hit back. We have suffered a great wrong. We finally work through
our anger, fears, and control issues to the point that we can trust the
universe...or God as we understand him (or her!)...or society to take
care of things simply because we are both powerless and tired.
God, grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can, and
The wisdom to know the difference!
–Reinhold Niebuhr
To your freedom! To your peace of mind! Let it go.
As I promised, I will offer one pointer
each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be
done.” Check the other entries or archives for what you might have
missed. When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to
schools.
Lockett Learning offers a wide array of
resources to help you and your children deal with grief. Thursday and
Friday, we will offer our Kindle book Understanding Grief in Children as a free download. Saturday and Sunday, we will offer a free download of our Kindle book 6 Questions Children Ask About Death.
Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:
Check out our grief-related E-Books:
“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.
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