In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #7

Many years ago, I went through a time of compounded losses.  Looking back, I still call it “The year of the big black cloud.”  That’s a kind description.  The true pain cannot be put into words.

When our baby was sick, friends and family poured in to help.  When he died, they were there.  When my husband walked out one month after burying our baby, the phone and doorbell were silent.  Our friends didn’t know what to say so they didn’t.

To be fair, I wasn’t much fun!  Phone calls were meant with yes and no answers and a lot of silence.  But I was still lonely.  I needed tools to use during my lonely hours to keep them from becoming dysfunctional.  I also needed to learn how to reach out, even when I didn’t want to.

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

7. 7. Reach Out. One sign that life will go on whether or not you want it to is when your need for people is bigger than your loneliness and fears.  That is your cue that it is time to reach out.

One problem you face is who to connect with.  Remember you are vulnerable.  When you are in this stage, there is danger of lifelong problems such as substance abuse or promiscuity.  These leave you with an even bigger hole in your heart.

Your lifelong friends are usually the safest; but unless they have suffered a great loss, they won’t really understand. Involve them anyway (just don’t overdo it), but don’t stop there.

Join support groups of people facing a similar loss.  They are everywhere, but finding them is sometimes difficult.  Your local library will have a community directory to guide you.  If your loss is death, ask your support mortuaries, hospices, or compassionate friends.  If addiction was involved (you, your spouse, or your loved one), check out 12-step programs.  They have a group for almost any problem.  Check out http://www.christianrecovery.org/ or http://www.aa.org.  If abuse was involved, RUN to the nearest support group.  Most large churches offer divorce and grief recovery programs.  Google the dynamics of your loss to find the right match.

How do you know if the person or group is safe?  You don’t always.  Do two things: 

1. 1. Trust what your “gut” is telling you.  No matter how much you don’t want to talk about it or be there, something deep inside you will say, “This is right.”  Doing what is right doesn’t always “feel good.”
2. 2.Trust those who love you.  If you only confide in one person, you will wear that person out.  Grief is painful; it comes in waves; and it wasn’t meant to be borne alone. Find two or three safe friends, and run all of your ideas and findings by them.  They will tell you if you are on the right track.

As I promised, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief. 

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #6

When we have lost a loved one, we tend to emotionally go back in time to when that person wasn’t in our lives.  When a spouse dies, for example, the surviving spouse may find it hard to be with the children they created and, instead, connect with siblings.  It is as if we just don’t know how to function in our daily routine without the missing person.

This is normal grief.  It is part of the stage we call “denial.”  We cannot envision life without our loved one so we have to go back to something that was comfortable (even if dysfunctional) to us before we knew him/her.  One anonymous adult child commented, “He left us for his sisters, and he didn’t even like them!”

As we grieve our loss, we learn how to cherish a memory and connect with those we love who are part of our lives together.  To do that, we must learn to face our loneliness.

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

6. 6. Face Loneliness. One certain emotion that accompanies the aftermath of tragedy is guilt.  We need to learn to deal with guilt and to decipher it.  Sometimes when we feel guilty, we are really lonely.  When emotion overwhelms us, we need to take time to be alone to think, read, cry, and pray.  Then we can reach out in a healthy way.

I have found that the fear of loneliness is actually worse than facing it.  In the days and weeks leading up to a major event (birthday, holiday, celebration), we dread having to do it alone.  Our imaginations go wild.  By the time the event arrives, it is usually so much tamer than what we had imagined that we get through it without a problem.

So what do we do when our emotions go crazy?  Do what feeds you emotionally.  For me, it is writing.  I can “cry on paper” as I write letters to my love or to God or as I simply ramble and splash down my random thoughts.  This gets the pain out of me so there is a little breathing room.  Then I do it again.

For you, it might be music or art or dance.  The key is to do what feeds you emotionally as you let the tears flow.  Tears were meant to be cried.

Find peace in your lonely hours!

As I promised, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief. 

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.

 

 

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #5

“Co-dependency” is a buzz word these days.  When a friend read Melanie Beattie’s book Co-Dependent No More, he said it was really depressing because he realized he was hopelessly co-dependent forever. 

When we think of co-dependency we often think of it as kindness and consideration.  These are virtues.  When you lose yourself being kind and considerate of others, though, you become their “co-dependent,” and you keep them stuck.

My working definition:  Any time you do for someone else what they can and should do for themselves, you turn them into your dependent children.  You no longer function as adult to adult.  You assume a responsibility that rightfully belongs to them.  We are responsible for our dependent children.  We are responsible to the adults in our lives. 

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

5. 5. Let Go. There is a time to quit.  We don’t always know when it is.  It can be gut-wrenching because we care so deeply.  It can be maddening because we are so angry about what happened.  But when we are powerless, there comes a time when we must walk away. 

It’s a little bit like forgiveness.  Failing to let go (or forgive) is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.  Forgiveness is giving up our “right” to hit back.  We have suffered a great wrong.  We finally work through our anger, fears, and control issues to the point that we can trust the universe...or God as we understand him (or her!)...or society to take care of things simply because we are both powerless and tired.

God, grant me the serenity to

Accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can, and

The wisdom to know the difference!

–Reinhold Niebuhr

To your freedom!  To your peace of mind!  Let it go.

As I promised, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.  Thursday and Friday, we will offer our Kindle book Understanding Grief in Children as a free download.  Saturday and Sunday, we will offer a free download of our Kindle book 6 Questions Children Ask About Death.

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #4

I work with schools to help them create support programs for their students who are considered by some as “at-risk.”  Others call these same students “at-promise.”  The key is “resilience:” the ability to survive and cope with whatever life gives you and emerge stronger.  We who promote the theory of resilience believe we can learn and grow through any life circumstance.  We do not negate, justify, or excuse the horror of events like the massacre at Sandy Hook.  We face the truth.  But we also don’t give up on our dreams or compromise our values because of it; we become stronger. Key #4 helps you with that.   

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

4. 4. Remember. We have all had our hearts broken.  Few people look deeply into grief, though, without having had a major loss.  Mine came as a young mother.  My second child was born hydrocephalic.  He only lived 4 1/2 months.  In the aftermath of his death, my home fell apart.  My 2 1/2-year-old son and I picked up the pieces of our lives and started over.

Leading up to what would have been Justin’s first birthday, my psychologist asked how I would spend the day.  I said, “I’m going to close my eyes and hope, somehow, that the day will end.”  He replied, “The day will happen whether or not you face it.  If you could forget Justin, you could forget Jeff.  You owe it to your living son to face the day and celebrate the child that graced your home, even though it was for too short a while.”

That began my life-long quest to believe that life, however short or seemingly hopeless, is worthwhile.  It took completing what I refer to as my “grief work,” but I can honestly say today that I’m proud I got to be Justin’s mom...even for a little while.  Writing my first book and crying a mountain of tears transformed Justin from my tragedy on earth into my treasure in Heaven. 

We hesitate to talk about a sad event because we are afraid of our own tears and afraid of making others sad.  But the alternative is what grief specialists call “Denial.”  The natural grief stage of denial is the way we cope, but if it lasts too long we blind ourselves to the dangers and ignore the necessity of prevention.  There is danger that copycat tragedies will occur.  As horrible as the events like Sandy Hook are, we must remember them.  If we don’t, we don’t set up mechanisms to deter them from happening again.

One thing I’ve learned is...the only thing worse than mentioning a lost loved one in a crowd that may bring sadness is remembering that person in a crowd, alone, and believing that you are the only one who misses your loved one or who cares.

You can’t forget, so plan to remember.  Find a time each day...or week...that you can devote to your memories.  Setting aside a special time will give you the strength to get through the rest of your day...most of the time.

As I promised, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.  Thursday and Friday, we will offer our Kindle book Understanding Grief in Children as a free download.

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #3

When our hearts are broken, we feel so powerless.  Nothing can be done to change our circumstances.  But some things can be done to change us. 

Our nation’s hearts are broken because of the tragedy that occurred last week at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  As I promised, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

3.  Talk. Okay, okay, it’s true.  Some of us talk too much.  Others are repulsed by those to do so they don’t talk at all.  Both extremes are unhealthy.  But...until the pain comes out, healing cannot come in.  Find safe people, and talk about your circumstances, your feelings, and your fears. 

We all have friends who were hurting and said awful things to us.  They got us all riled up and emotional.  Then they walked away feeling better and we were left with their pain.  This isn’t “talking;” this is “dumping.”  Don’t “dump” on your friends.  Do that on paper and throw it away.  But do talk.

When you talk, you are honest about your pain.  Tears may flow.  When you dump, you are angry about your pain and want others to hurt with and for you.

When you talk, you cry heart tears.  When you dump, you cry head tears.

When you talk, you make yourself vulnerable and admit your own short-comings.  When you dump, you make yourself sound perfect and the other guy is 100% guilty.  In our Divorce and Grief Recovery program, we tell people, “You own 100% of your guilt, even if it was only 5% of the problem.  You own 0% of the guilt that belongs to the other guy.  Don’t get them confused.”

Grief recovery classes will help you with healthy “talking.”  You are grouped with people going through similar situations and they guide you with discussion and journal topics.  Find a class near you!

So move quickly from the head to the heart!  Talk!  Talk!  Talk!

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.  Thursday and Friday, we will offer our Kindle book Understanding Grief in Children as a free download.

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #2

Although grief is not a new topic to me, it isn’t one I usually talk about during the holidays.  We want to think fun!  We want to think of celebration.  But tragedy during the holidays causes us to wonder if we will ever celebrate again.  Our nation’s hearts are broken because of the tragedy that occurred last week at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

As I promised, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

2. 2. Cry. You may be thinking, “Duh!”  But it’s strange how hard it is to cry from our gut.  Oh, we cry angry tears well; we cry frustrated tears well; we sometimes even cry because we are happy.  But the “gut” tears...those that cleanse our soul, release our sorrow, and make a little room for joy...those are hard tears to cry. 

Some of us were punished for crying as children, “Suck it up, or I’ll give you something to cry about;” or “Big boys don’t cry.”  Some authorities say that women mask anger with tears and men mask tears with anger.

Even at the national level we struggle with tears.  We heard a lot about New York on 9/11.  The country came together in an amazing way.  We grieved.  We, as a nation cried “gut” tears. 

But the Pentagon?  We heard nothing!  I had the privilege of sending copies of my book Take My Hand:  Guiding Your Child Through Grief to those who cared for a child orphaned in 9/11.  New York expressed thanks; the Pentagon was silent (I’m not complaining; I didn’t need thanks; it was so little a gift in the midst of the devastation!).  I meant a pentagon worker a couple of years later and asked if they were recovering.  She said the attitude at the Pentagon was, “If anyone should take a hit for America, it’s us.  We’re just doing our job.  Keep quiet, and keep working.” 

It sounds noble, but I have to admit I worry.  Tears are a gift to wash away our pain and sorrow.  They were meant to be cried.  My friend and co-author Dick Innes says that “every unshed tear is a prism through which all of life’s heartaches are distorted.” 

How do we cry our “gut” tears?  All I have to do is look at a photo of the 28-year-old teacher who gave her life to save her children, and the tears come.  I can’t even think about the children without tears flowing.  They’re flowing now.  Writing is a good way to put words to your tears.  Whatever works for you, find a safe time and place, and cry!  Cry from your gut! 

I know...I know.  You’re afraid to cry.  Tragedies like these are so non-sensical that you are afraid if you stop running, you’ll have to think.  If you think, you’ll have to feel.  If you feel, you’ll have to cry.  If you cry, you can never quit...so you keep busy.

You won’t really cry forever, but you will find an amazing release when you do cry.  Let the tears begin!

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.  Wednesday and Thursday, we will offer our Kindle book Understanding Grief in Children as a free download.

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #1

There is something so inherently wrong about innocent children being killed.  There is something so inherently wrong about violence of any kind.  Our nation’s hearts are broken because of the tragedy that occurred last week at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

And it’s the Christmas season.  Somehow, violence during this holy time of the year falls black against the shining backdrop of love, giving, joy, and peace.  It is even more unconscionable. 

Yet happen it did.  Tragedies in our lives, in our homes, in our schools, in our nations are a reality.  Our goal must always be prevention.  Our reaction must always be resilience.  Our action must always be an almost divine commitment to making our world a better place.

I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

1. 1. Know God (however you understand the concept) loves you even when you cannot feel it, even when you cannot see it, even when you don’t feel you deserve it, even when you are angry at him, and even when you feel unloveable.

This is a strange statement coming from a public school forum because we hold such diverse belief systems.  Even the statement, in the context of violence, may make you angry.  That’s okay.  Opening this door opens you to hope...even when you’re angry.  It paves the way for truth; and truth, however brutal, is a powerful ally.  It leads us to our special way to bettering our world...but it will take time!

Begin a dialogue with God today.  Tell him your truth.

Lockett Learning offers the following resources to help you deal with grief:

Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To