In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #3

When our hearts are broken, we feel so powerless.  Nothing can be done to change our circumstances.  But some things can be done to change us. 

Our nation’s hearts are broken because of the tragedy that occurred last week at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  As I promised, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

3.  Talk. Okay, okay, it’s true.  Some of us talk too much.  Others are repulsed by those to do so they don’t talk at all.  Both extremes are unhealthy.  But...until the pain comes out, healing cannot come in.  Find safe people, and talk about your circumstances, your feelings, and your fears. 

We all have friends who were hurting and said awful things to us.  They got us all riled up and emotional.  Then they walked away feeling better and we were left with their pain.  This isn’t “talking;” this is “dumping.”  Don’t “dump” on your friends.  Do that on paper and throw it away.  But do talk.

When you talk, you are honest about your pain.  Tears may flow.  When you dump, you are angry about your pain and want others to hurt with and for you.

When you talk, you cry heart tears.  When you dump, you cry head tears.

When you talk, you make yourself vulnerable and admit your own short-comings.  When you dump, you make yourself sound perfect and the other guy is 100% guilty.  In our Divorce and Grief Recovery program, we tell people, “You own 100% of your guilt, even if it was only 5% of the problem.  You own 0% of the guilt that belongs to the other guy.  Don’t get them confused.”

Grief recovery classes will help you with healthy “talking.”  You are grouped with people going through similar situations and they guide you with discussion and journal topics.  Find a class near you!

So move quickly from the head to the heart!  Talk!  Talk!  Talk!

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.  Thursday and Friday, we will offer our Kindle book Understanding Grief in Children as a free download.

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

“Like” our Divorce and Grief Recovery Facebook Page.

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #2

Although grief is not a new topic to me, it isn’t one I usually talk about during the holidays.  We want to think fun!  We want to think of celebration.  But tragedy during the holidays causes us to wonder if we will ever celebrate again.  Our nation’s hearts are broken because of the tragedy that occurred last week at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

As I promised, I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  Check the other entries or archives for what you might have missed.  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

2. 2. Cry. You may be thinking, “Duh!”  But it’s strange how hard it is to cry from our gut.  Oh, we cry angry tears well; we cry frustrated tears well; we sometimes even cry because we are happy.  But the “gut” tears...those that cleanse our soul, release our sorrow, and make a little room for joy...those are hard tears to cry. 

Some of us were punished for crying as children, “Suck it up, or I’ll give you something to cry about;” or “Big boys don’t cry.”  Some authorities say that women mask anger with tears and men mask tears with anger.

Even at the national level we struggle with tears.  We heard a lot about New York on 9/11.  The country came together in an amazing way.  We grieved.  We, as a nation cried “gut” tears. 

But the Pentagon?  We heard nothing!  I had the privilege of sending copies of my book Take My Hand:  Guiding Your Child Through Grief to those who cared for a child orphaned in 9/11.  New York expressed thanks; the Pentagon was silent (I’m not complaining; I didn’t need thanks; it was so little a gift in the midst of the devastation!).  I meant a pentagon worker a couple of years later and asked if they were recovering.  She said the attitude at the Pentagon was, “If anyone should take a hit for America, it’s us.  We’re just doing our job.  Keep quiet, and keep working.” 

It sounds noble, but I have to admit I worry.  Tears are a gift to wash away our pain and sorrow.  They were meant to be cried.  My friend and co-author Dick Innes says that “every unshed tear is a prism through which all of life’s heartaches are distorted.” 

How do we cry our “gut” tears?  All I have to do is look at a photo of the 28-year-old teacher who gave her life to save her children, and the tears come.  I can’t even think about the children without tears flowing.  They’re flowing now.  Writing is a good way to put words to your tears.  Whatever works for you, find a safe time and place, and cry!  Cry from your gut! 

I know...I know.  You’re afraid to cry.  Tragedies like these are so non-sensical that you are afraid if you stop running, you’ll have to think.  If you think, you’ll have to feel.  If you feel, you’ll have to cry.  If you cry, you can never quit...so you keep busy.

You won’t really cry forever, but you will find an amazing release when you do cry.  Let the tears begin!

Lockett Learning offers a wide array of resources to help you and your children deal with grief.  Wednesday and Thursday, we will offer our Kindle book Understanding Grief in Children as a free download.

Check out our grief-related Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

Check out our grief-related E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

In the Aftermath of Tragedy...What To Do #1

There is something so inherently wrong about innocent children being killed.  There is something so inherently wrong about violence of any kind.  Our nation’s hearts are broken because of the tragedy that occurred last week at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

And it’s the Christmas season.  Somehow, violence during this holy time of the year falls black against the shining backdrop of love, giving, joy, and peace.  It is even more unconscionable. 

Yet happen it did.  Tragedies in our lives, in our homes, in our schools, in our nations are a reality.  Our goal must always be prevention.  Our reaction must always be resilience.  Our action must always be an almost divine commitment to making our world a better place.

I will offer one pointer each day over the next few weeks for “What to do when nothing can be done.”  When school begins again in January, I will turn the focus to schools. 

What to Do When Nothing Can Be Done.

1. 1. Know God (however you understand the concept) loves you even when you cannot feel it, even when you cannot see it, even when you don’t feel you deserve it, even when you are angry at him, and even when you feel unloveable.

This is a strange statement coming from a public school forum because we hold such diverse belief systems.  Even the statement, in the context of violence, may make you angry.  That’s okay.  Opening this door opens you to hope...even when you’re angry.  It paves the way for truth; and truth, however brutal, is a powerful ally.  It leads us to our special way to bettering our world...but it will take time!

Begin a dialogue with God today.  Tell him your truth.

Lockett Learning offers the following resources to help you deal with grief:

Hard Copy Books and Tapes:

Lockett Learning Systems

E-Books:

Understanding Grief in Children

6 Questions Children Ask About Death...and How to Answer Them

Surviving Separation and Divorce...How to Keep Going When You Don’t Really Want To

 

What To Do When You See The Signs...

Have you noticed that...

Things start to get a little crazy on campus as we approach Halloween?...

Things on campus stay a little crazy until Christmas break...

Things get a little crazy on campus during football or basketball season...

Then there’s the time leading up to Prom night...

And, of course, every campus is blessed with “senioritis.” 

Have you noticed that, when you work with students, life can be a little crazy?  I used to tell my tutors that if they weren’t having problems, I wouldn’t believe they were actually working with children.  Both the beauty and the frustration of teaching is that, at the same time, it can be both structured and unpredictable.  Working with children certainly can’t be programmed in a neat little package.  Schools that endeavor to put children in a “learning box” and ask all teachers to do things the same way are destined to failure.  Teachers in these settings lose their creativity and passion.

So...leading up to the holiday season, here are four guidelines for what to do when you observe a student’s behavior that causes you to question:

1. 1. Talk About It.  I remember receiving student essays and thinking, “S/he must not have wanted me to read that.”  I now know those students are actually begging someone to be brave enough to ask questions.  It is their cry for help.  I always feel inadequate and overwhelmed with I think of delving into another’s life crisis, but I also always find a strength or resource I didn’t know I had when I jump in.
2. 2.Talk It Over With a Supervisor.  You never violate confidentiality when you discuss a concern with a supervisor in an effort to determine your course of action.  One teacher I know suspected child abuse and started to talk to her principal.  The principal said, “Stop.  If you tell me what I think you will, you need to know that I will report it, and that child will be taken from his home.  You will go with me to court to make that happen.”  She said, “I don’t believe children should be separated from their parents so I won’t tell you.”  Within the next week, that child was badly bruised from physical abuse.  When she saw that, she found within her the strength to do what had to be done.  When abuse and dysfunction are involved, pretending you don’t see the signs doesn’t make them go away.  Most of our children don’t need help this drastically; but when they do, we are mandated reporters and we must act. 
3. 3.“Carefront.”  This is the process of student confrontation we use in SCORE.  From research, we learn that the “unwilling/unable” student needs you to “shoot straight.”  They also need you to care.  Don’t talk around the issue; tell the student what you see.  As you talk, write it down so they can both see and hear it.  Talk in three columns:  Before, Now, and Now Then....  “Now Then” is their commitment with you for an acceptable compromise as they work through their current crisis.  Offer to help them through their circumstance (tutorials, grief counseling, twelve steps, etc.), and give them referrals to other sources of help.
4. 4.Remember Love.  It’s strange that we teachers who have devoted our lives to molding the lives of another generation don’t often talk about loving our students.  I had to learn it in therapy, not in my education classes.  In the aftermath of a time of loss in my life, the therapist said, “You need someone to love...to invest in.  Who do you love?”  I responded, “My son.”  He replied, “Yes, and you’re smothering the poor child.  Love your students!”  I did, and my teaching will never be the same!

How Do You Recognize a Student At Risk?

Every student is high-risk at some time in life.  The question is not “Whether,” it’s “When?”  The more important question is “What will we do about it when...?”

One of my SCORE students had been doing well.  We worked from off-campus with him, and he was a senior getting ready to graduate.  We held an advisory session with him in December, before Christmas vacation.  He was on track.  Imagine our shock and chagrin, then, when we got a call from his mother in May saying he wouldn’t graduate.

Of course we checked it out immediately!  He was failing his senior history requirement.  His teacher said he returned from Christmas vacation a different person.  She noticed the change in him and suspected he was on drugs.  She didn’t know what to do about it so she allowed him to sit in class from January until May without doing anything!

Two great tragedies occurred in this situation:  1.  A student failed unnecessarily; and 2.  A good teacher didn’t know what to do so did nothing! 

If a student is on drugs, that student does not get better if we pretend we don’t see.  When a student is in crisis (i.e. high-risk), that student needs help to get through.  Ignoring a behavior does not make it go away. 

How can we tell if a student is in crisis?  Here are the obvious signs...please don’t overlook them:

1. • Any major change in behavior.
2. • Glazed eyes.
3. • Inability to sit still.
4. • Excessive sleepiness or yawning.
5. • Attitude that says, “I don’t care.”
6. • Poor hygiene.
7. • Poor eye contact.
8. • Missed assignments.
9. • Excessive absences or tardiness.

Yikes!  I’m realizing I could go on all day...but this is just a blog.  You get the idea.  If what you see touches an emotion (empathy, anger, fear), listen to it.  Check it out.  You will save a student’s future...you may save a life. 

Next time, we’ll look at what to do when you see these signs of crisis.

Now, back to my student.  What happened over Christmas vacation?  Grandma died, and Grandma was just about the only person in the whole world who loved him unconditionally. 

He was grieving in January.  By May, that grief had turned into dysfunction.  Dealing with a child in grief is what we call prevention.  It has always been lest costly...in time, in money, and in lives...than cure.

Remember The “Good Old Days?”

Remember The “Good Old Days?”

Remember the "good old days" as educators? You know...the days when we taught our content and assumed students could read, write, think, and calculate well enough to master whatever we had to say.

You don't? I don't either. I've been an educator longer than most of you, and there has never been a time when I didn't have to use techniques that enabled my diverse students to master my content. The lingo will change, but the reality is the same: whatever our content, we have a responsibility to our students to develop them into literate, lifelong learners. Always have; always will.

A few years ago an article caught national attention:  “Why can’t Johnny read?”  Lockett Learning's key question is not, "Why can't Johnny read?" It is "What must we do so Johnny can read?"  Or...”How can we teach so Johnny will want to read?”

Aristotle said, “The mark of an educated mind is to be able to
entertain a thought without accepting it.”

Perhaps a more frightening question is...how will we handle it when we teach students to think only to find that they think differently than we do? It is frightening to think that they, like Aristotle, might entertain our thoughts without accepting them.

May your students challenge your thinking this year. May they cause you to rethink your premises. May they inspire you to hone your skills. May you model for them what it is to be a lifelong learner.

An A For Everyone!

An A For Everyone!

 

Check out my new e-book on Kindle:  An A For Everyone!

One of the big surprises for we teachers is that every student doesn’t learn the way we like to teach. Teaching strategies, techniques, and methodologies have to be rich and plentiful in order to bring about mastery learning for everyone.

An A Is For Everyone! offers tested strategies, teaching techniques and methodologies proven to empower English learners to achieve content mastery in academic coursework. It is based on the exemplary SCORE curriculum. These students who were never supposed to graduate from high school graduated from college! The ideas are easy to implement and effective, especially for those teaching kids with learning difficulties in the regular classroom.